A Childhood Dream Sparked by Tragedy
Through a Physician’s Perspective. Do you recall the exact moment you knew what your life’s calling would be? For me, that realization came in October 1973, when my third-grade teacher rolled out a life-sized skeleton. At seven years old, I was captivated by the intricacies of the human body and eager to learn more. However, if I’m being completely honest, this was the second and less profound reason I chose to become a physician. A deeper and earlier moment set me on this path.
That pivotal moment occurred one cold January day in 1973, nine months before the skeleton experience. My father, who struggled with manic depression, tragically died from suicide at the age of 29. This devastating event planted a burning desire within me to understand the human mind and prevent similar tragedies for others. Even as a young child, I dreamed of being a force for good, driven by an innate calling to help and heal—what I now recognize as the spirit of service. Through a Physician’s Perspective
The Heavy Burden of Childhood Guilt
As a child, my mind grappled with intrusive, painful thoughts:
- If you were truly a good girl, he wouldn’t have died. (Feelings of inadequacy)
- If he really loved you, he wouldn’t have left. (Struggles with self-worth)
- This is all your fault. (Self-blame)
These thoughts weighed heavily, leading to nightmares, flashbacks, and challenges with self-confidence, especially in relationships.
In college, I pursued a degree in psychology to better understand the complexities of the human brain. However, medical school presented an unforeseen challenge: psychiatry activated unresolved pain from my past. I later chose diagnostic radiology as my specialty, believing it to be a better fit. It allowed me to serve as a “doctor’s doctor,” contributing to patient care with minimal direct emotional involvement. Through a Physician’s Perspective
Confronting Burnout and Rediscovering Purpose
Despite my efforts to avoid emotional overwhelm, several years into practice, I found myself drowning in chronic stress. Physical symptoms arose, unresolved despite consultations with various specialists. The darkest moment came when my own thoughts echoed the despair I’d feared since childhood: that life might be better without me. This alarming realization, coupled with the suicides of three physician friends, led me to take decisive action.
Determined to shield my young children from experiencing the pain I once felt, I sought solutions. Over time, I learned tools to regulate my nervous system and restore balance to my life. By addressing chronic stress rather than an organic mental illness, I experienced profound healing. This journey reshaped my career, prompting me to focus on educating fellow physicians about self-care and mental wellness through resources like Stanford Physician Advocate.
Reframing Mental Health Conversations
One of my greatest insights has been the importance of language in shaping perceptions about mental health. For instance, I no longer say that someone “committed” or “completed” suicide. Instead, I say they “died from suicide,” acknowledging it as a medical outcome of an organ’s malfunction, much like a heart attack or stroke. This semantic shift fosters compassion and removes blame. Through a Physician’s Perspective
A Life of Gratitude and Celebration
Living to 59—more than double my father’s lifespan—has been both humbling and enlightening. I’ve come to accept that I was never to blame for his death. I was enough. He loved me. And I am not at fault.
Advancing age feels like a privilege, not a punishment. I embrace each birthday and cherish every day as a gift. Life itself is the special occasion—a celebration of love, growth, and service.
As Confucius wisely said, “We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.”
Join the Journey to Advocate for Well-Being
If my story resonates with you, I encourage you to take the first step toward your own wellness journey. Explore the resources available at Stanford Physician Advocate and unlock tools to enhance your well-being.
Source: This article was inspired by Robyn Tiger’s original reflection, available at KevinMD.