Advocating for Aging Parents: My parents were born on the same day, six years apart, during the Great Depression. My dad passed away on Christmas Eve in 2016. For the next seven years, each Christmas season, I found myself hoping my mom would join him.
Was it wrong to feel this way?
Memories of My Father
Dad was Santa Claus for three decades, wearing a suit handed down from his mother, along with her bearskin gloves and sleigh bells. This tradition started when Dad, at six years old, sat on Santa’s lap and recognized his mother’s eyes behind the beard.
His death on Christmas Eve seemed fitting given his devotion to the holiday. Every year, he would hang a “Merry Christmas” banner on our barn roof, making our house a landmark during the holidays. My mom supported him in every way, embodying the quintessential 1950s wife, raising children and managing the household while he ran his dental practice.
Mom’s Journey to Assisted Living
As they aged, my parents moved from the farm to a cottage in a senior living complex. Falls led my mom to have two hip repairs, while Dad’s abdominal pain at 92 led him to opt-out of surgery. He passed peacefully in hospice care. Two years later, my mom’s fall necessitated a move to assisted living, which she reluctantly accepted to avoid burdening us.
The COVID pandemic hit the facility hard, prompting us to move her to another one. Despite the move, she hated being there due to her inability to attend Mass. She moved to California with my sister but soon returned to assisted living to be closer to her faith community. Her declining health led to a stroke, and she chose not to pursue physical therapy, resulting in more intensive care needs.
Realizing Assisted Living Was No Longer an Option
During Christmas 2022, I took over from her aide for a week. A nurse’s aide, Joan, highlighted the challenges I faced as a family physician unaccustomed to providing direct care. It became evident that my mom needed to transition to a nursing home.
Transition to Nursing Home
Despite her fear of moving, the nursing home provided the level of care she needed, although it was understaffed. Mom’s condition worsened, leading to hospice care, which helped manage her needs and prevented unnecessary hospital transfers. Her memory and physical abilities declined, prompting us to seek more intervention for her comfort.
Advocating Amid Decline
My sisters and I coordinated our visits and care responsibilities, ensuring constant advocacy for our mom’s well-being. We faced numerous challenges, from addressing medication errors to arranging basic personal care. Despite our efforts, the systemic inadequacies in care were painfully evident.
The Emotional Weight of Advocacy
As Mom’s condition deteriorated, we prayed for her peaceful passing. Her ability to express herself faded, and her suffering became more apparent. It took multiple conversations to ensure hospice staff adhered to our wishes to prioritize her comfort over prolonging her life.
Final Days and Reflections
Mom passed away peacefully in October 2023. The aftermath felt cold and transactional, with the facility focusing on logistics over condolences. This experience raised profound questions about the state of empathy and compassion in health care today.
How do families without medical knowledge manage? How do patients without family advocates fare in such systems? These questions underline the critical need for systemic change.
Conclusion: A Call for Compassion
We must do better as a society to care for our aging population with compassion and dignity. The emotional toll on families advocating for their loved ones is immense. As health care professionals, we have a responsibility to ensure no family feels abandoned in these challenging times.
For more insights on advocating for aging parents, visit Stanford Physician Advocate.
Therese Zink is a family physician. For further reading, visit the original article on source website.